Journal entry 25

So after a failed attempt to look for "The Marine" (which is the gayest name ever) we tried again, this time the search went wide and far, up and down (He probably had a sewer lair... I've sure as hell never seen him.) And just to humor one of my students I contacted every evil scientist I knew to see if they were missing a robotic hill billy running around calling himself a stupid name. No surprise, they weren't. Wouldn't be the first time though, I remember professor atom bomb once sent his robotic octopus after me... Damn thing was so creepy too.. None the less I sent the damn thing to the seventh ring of Krachen. I thought it was quite clever actually...

In the meantime... I would have to look with my eyes and my intuition to spot our crazed hill billy. But before all that, there was an incident... Us dark magicians can sometimes make rivals or people who are jealous of our abilities, and that can sometimes go very badly... So while I was out and about I ran into a guy from my old dark kabal days, who also took up the super villain mantle (probably just to get at me...) and decided that today would be a very good day to try and pick a fight with me.

I specifically told him now really was not a good time, but he didn't seem to care... how rude of him! Doesn't he realize that my time is very important to me!? So then the freakshow thinks it would be a good idea to switch my mind with one of his minions! SONOFOABITCH! He turned me into some tiny goblin in a cage! So while charlie and my other minions were shooting at this bastard, they were making a run for it. So I tried to blast the cage open! Unfortunately the goblin had my body and my powers... good luck trying to use them though you freak!

Charlie had to free me, and we had to make some phone calls. I called Master, my father, and The Caped Conjurer. They all laughed at my new form. Assholes, the lot of them!! They devised a way to track my body and then switch me back. This took long moments, so I decided to get familiar with my new body. Apparently I did have some abilities, I could turn invisible and shoot green flames. So I wasn't totally useless which was good. However I was about as tall as my table leg, so there were some issues...

They had tracked me down (my body, anyways) and found it was located in some abandoned warehouse near the docks. Every time! It's either some abandoned warehouse or some abandoned mansion or underground, I at least try to avoid the cliches! My master warned me that we should be careful, and advised we do a quick look around first. I notified him that I could turn invisible and so I shall find my body. That being said, they went to gather the necessary materials needed to return me to my normal state. This would take time, as the ingredients are extremely rare, and one must go to both the earth plain and the other realms to find them! I instructed them to use the closet if need be.

Now my job was to go and scout out this "warehouse" where my corpse was being held. I was dropped off a mile away from it, and turned invisible so as not to be seen. The fools! They had no barriers up, no guard dogs, NOTHING! That idiot always was an amateur... so careless! I decided to go into the warehouse itself. Inside I found all I needed to see: traps, guard dogs, ancient circles, man cages, the works. I think this might have been his lair... regardless I retreated back to the van and reported what I saw. The Caped Conjurer then made an S and M joke... whatever the hell that was...


The ingredients would take a day to find, and then another day to prepare... so here I sit... a goblin that can turn invisible and can cook his lunches in a snap... fantastic...  WHAT AM I GOING TO TELL MY THERAPIST!?

Journal entry 24

So I was driving home from therapy when a large van of some sort came barreling down the driveway with some white, red headed buffoon sticking his head out of the window, waving some sort of firearm. He skidded to a halt and demanded that I step outside of the vehicle. I complied, and simply stared at him. Who the hell orders ME around!? The only one who can give me orders is Master and my father! I gave him the chance to explain himself before I turned him inside out with a flick of my wrist. He called himself "The Marine" and that he was to end my reign of terror. You know what I call him? A dangerous hill billy with guns.

I flicked away his silly van with but a thought and a twist of my wrist. Now what has he got!? Well, for one, he had a very large barrel of a weapon pointed in my general direction, that's what. I retreated behind my jaguar as the bullets began to fly, HITTING MY JAGUAR!! This could not be tolerated! However I was a bit busy cowering behind the car... not used to getting shot at...

I immediately lifted my jaguar up and used it as a gigantic shield! The gun crazed idiot kept shooting his ridiculously oversized rifle thing at me! I hate myself for doing it now.. but I had to throw my car at this thing. You know what happened!? He jumped over the damn thing!! I then proceeded to shoot fire and lightning in his direction! He simply rolled and dodged it all! It's like trying to shoot a cat high on catnip!

You know what this all reminded me of? A really bad movie... The only thing I could think to do was teleport away. Course I didn't leave without my whole "Next time!" speech. I love doing that...

So, I was home now, and I had to call the insurance company and let them some some insane hill billy blew up my car. Apparently it's not covered in my insurance... BASTARDS! So now I'm pissed, and I'm car less on top of it. GREAT! I summoned the henchmen and told them to load up in the van! We're going to find "The Marine."

I told them to drive to my last location, and of course he wasn't there. I didn't expect to find him of course, I was going to track him by his heat signature. I used the senses of the ninth way, and began to look for his tracks. Now... for some odd reason he left no tracks. What sorcery was this?! I began to ponder why a human would not leave heat traces. I gathered the henchmen and presented them with this query! One said the man might be a robot... which  I found to be utterly ridiculous... Perhaps the fool was covering his tracks.... But in any case, it appeared I had found a new enemy... these freaks just pop out of nowhere...

Journal entry 23

So after a recovery and some memory lapses (kinda forgot what I did on sunday) I have once again recovered!

We were running out of money so I sent charlie and a few of the students to rob a bank or something, I don't really care... I was never interesting in bank robbing. Sides I wanted to go visit one of my old friends "Whip Chain." He was a weapon themed super villain. Most of whatever he used was on a chain and he wielded it like a whip. The guy was some master of weapons or whatever, don't really think that's a super power, but I know that he's super fast and really strong. Whether that's a mutation or something who knows... I don't like to ask if someone has a third nipple on their ass...

The Whip Chain doesn't have henchmen, the guy's a solo, which is quite understandable considering he uses chain weapons. He'd be smacking all of his henchmen instead of his targets. I always tease him about that, and he always retorts about having funny dressed men hanging around in a small underground area, like he's trying to imply I'm gay or something... prick. I told him what had happened with my nervous breakdown, the psyche ward, and that I was doing the therapy thing and that I had been blogging. He laughed uncontrollably when I told him that. Don't remember making a joke though.... I told him the same thing I told all of you, that I was not some little jewish girl in an attick waiting for NAZI homos to come and get me!

We went to the local super villain bar and had a few. He told me of his last heist and I him. He apparently raided a place where they could gold plate your things, and he had assaulted the area wanting his whip chain to be gold plated. He told me that after about five or six uses of the gold chain whip it was starting to chip away and looked tarnished. WELL WHAT THE HELL DID YOU EXPECT!? YOU HIT PEOPLE WITH A CHAIN! WHAT DO YOU THINK WAS GOING TO HAPPEN!? Maybe next time you should rub your chain on your enemies if you're so damned worried about scratching it!!! He then went back to the gold plating place, beat them all up, then had a separate chain whip gold plated and mounted that on his wall. I did actually see that, looked really nice. I asked him if it turned any of his gloves green cuz I heard fake gold could do that. Well I felt stupid right there because his gloves were green as well and he told me it didn't really matter.

I then told him of my assaults on captain freedom and my arch nemesis the private detective! Whip Chain asked me why I was still wasting my time chasing around a dick tracy wanna be. I had my reasons damnit...

It was just then that some super villainess decided she wanted to hit on me. She called herself Kat Thief! I had to stare at her for a second... her costume was something out of josie and the pussy cats, and batman. Now, as you know, I am quite picky when it comes to the other sex, and I gave her the eye that most men give to a plate of poorly made food, and said "Are you trying to be cat woman or something? Because it isn't working," and turned to my drink. Kat Thief, defeated, walked away, and whip chain turned to me. "What the hell is wrong with you!? That fox was totally into you!" I told him I was waiting for a lovely sorcerers or magician assistant to become my bride. He continued to stare at me, then downed his beverage. He apparently had to go somewhere, not sure if he grew tired of my company or what.

I went home and received a message from my father. He wanted me to call him as soon as possible, so I did. I'm not really sure how long it's been since my nervous breakdown but the man had just heard about that now. Where the hell has he been!? Third dimension or not you should be able to keep tabs on your own offspring! I told him everything that needed to be told and said that it was nothing to be concerned about. He pressed that images of a death mother causing ones mind to collapse on itself is something to worry about... like I don't know that already... He then mentioned that he was coming over, and I told him that was absolutely unnecessary! But to my dismay, he teleported right behind me... little too late for that... He then asked me where I got all those bruises... long story dad.

We sat in my study for tea and a talk. The old man wanted to know why my mind collapsed after summoning an image of my dead mother. What the hell did he think was going to happen!? I summoned my fucking mother from the dead!!! Or something that looked like her or her soul HOW THE HELL SHOULD I KNOW!? This is the risk that we take when we play with dark magic! Hell even normal magicians have a risk of turning themselves into a frog!

I then introduced him to my companions: Oscar and the gang and of course triple M (who by the way sent my favorite rug to india... damn talking parrots, don't know why I keep him around...) and my father had this look of utter confusion... Like he never had pets? He soon recovered and we continued to talk. How's the super villain life treating you, boy? I simply stared at him and pointed to the totem pole. "Fucking fan-tastic! I gotta totem pole in my study!" He stared at me again. Dunno if he thought I was a disappointment or maybe that I had been knocked over the head too hard. How are the henchmen? Just who the hell asks about how henchmen are doing!? I said the students are doing just fine. They are keeping up with their studies, blah blah blah. I then told him about the heresy I recently suffered. "These things happen, boy."

I just noticed that my father has aged quite well. He is nearing his two hundredth year now, due to him practicing a different type of dark magic, but he is getting to be quite ancient, but he looks about fifty. He has to walk with a cane of course, and he sometimes forgets what he is talking about, but he does look good at least...

He announced that he must go, take care, all that crap, don't summon your dead mother anymore... Yada yada... what a nice visit that was. Now stay away, dad...

journal entry 22

Right so today I woke up on the lawn of someones house... which is why there is no journal entry for friday, or saturday, or sunday.... Let's start from the beginning...

I got a call that the machine I asked for was finally done, and I could not wait to activate it and get a demon electrified!! I immediately teleported over to the power plant to get a look at my gorgeous machine. It was just... fantastic! It had those round points where electricity comes out pointed at a platform. I called for my men to meet me at the power plant, whilst I worked on the ritual to summon me a demon of great power!!

By the time all my students got there,  the sky had grown black, lightning filled the clouds. The ground was glowing red from the summoning circle I had etched with my mind. I was in total focus. My best students stood in their positions to assist with the summoning. After what seemed like aeons, we brought our demon from the second world to the mortal realm! YES! I proclaimed! We then shoved the large beast into the machine and shoved a large amount of electricity up its ass. Finally! I had my masterpiece. I commanded my demon to fry the closest worker. The worker turned to ash! Brilliant!!!

I rubbed my hands together menacingly... it was time to destroy captain freedom! Now, today he was at his little gay tower of freedom, so we swarmed around the bottom of it, much like sharks surrounding their prey. I sent my demon to climb his tower. He was at the very top. The tower, and all inside, would become electrocuted immediately! When the demon reached the top, predictably, captain freedom flew out from the window, shouting his stupid captain freedom bullshit and started to wail on my demon! Luckily it's pure electricity so all it had to do was stare at it and it fell to the ground like a fly to a bug zapper! And yes I called him an IT! I've never even seen under its spandex anyways...

So with him out of the way I found no other choice but to tie him up, toss him into the back of the van that followed us here, and then took him to some remote and abandoned shack and began to torture and interrogate him!! I wasn't looking for any information, but I did ask him why he was palling around with my arch nemesis. The guy said he liked him and he was a nice guy. LIES!!! I throbbed him with a million volts of electricity from my crotch!!! The bastard killed one of my henchmen, nice people don't kill good henchmen!!!

So after that it was saturday. Now, I had completely forgotten to write something on friday, mostly because I was far too busy with my new toy the electric demon. I left captain dick head in the shack, code name hamper, and proceeded to raid the lair of the private detective! This time, oh this time, he was not going anywhere! He had his team of burly gay men assassins at the doors, I guess he knew I was coming. SOMEONE RATTED ME OUT!!! I'll bet it was captain cockhead! I ordered my men to check the hamper, and return to me with their status!!

I ordered my electrified demon to zap the building. After a few seconds, his super asssassins jumped into the fray, and a smoldering private eye sauntered out. I took this opportunity to snag him, tie him up, throw him into the van, and take him to a remote and abandoned warehouse, code name waste paper basket! Oh how I enjoyed this... oh how I laughed! I laughed with the force of a thousand demon cherubs! I finally got the chance to try all the movie tortures that I have seen over the years! I tied a car battery and jumper cables to his testicles, I took a wet potatoe, stuck them into some electrical... thingies... and hooked THAT up to a car battery, and then I stuck it to him!!! I even had a chance to give him the dreaded Chinese water torture!! Unfortunately all I gave him was a nap... Guess the bastard wasn't affected by it.

So I finally began to question him. Where did he get the super asssassins!? Why did he kill my Henry henchman!! Why!!!! He told me that he got the super assassins from a small company called Ze. I left him in the waste paper basket and traveled to this Ze. I went to the front gate and demanded to see their fine selection of super asssassins! The man told me that they made dry wall. DRY WALL!?! I filled his mind with nightmares and DEMANDED the super assassins!! He kept spouting that dry wall bullshit!!!!

I drove back to the waste paper basket and re questioned him! He said I had to go around the back. BAH! It's always around the back GOD WHAT A CLICHE!!! So I drove TO THE BACK of this Ze company, and demanded to see their fine selection of super assassins!! He gave me that stupid "Ssshhh" nonsense. OH COME ON! I'm a super villain! Even I am not quiet about my operations! Just my secret identity... They took me to the main area and showed me their catalog, at which point I told them who I was, what I was here for (to kill their leader) and summoned my lightning demon! Suddenly assassins jumped from every wall, painting, and light fixture! I had to retreat outside, mostly because I shit myself, and mostly because my lighting demon was out there. I sent my demon into the fray while I scoured the building, searching for their leader. Suddenly a thought occured to me... where the hell was that call about my damn prisoner!? I communicated with them and demanded to know what the hell they were doing! They said they went home to check the hamper. WRONG DAMN HAMPER! Then I checked in with the guards.... to my dismay... they did not answer... Oh bother...

And in a rather bad taste, captain freedom flies in through the wall just in the nick of time (This entire weekend has just been filled with cliches hasn't it!?) and hurled me out through the wall. Now, it's not to say that I was not prepared, NO NO! I had donned my unholy armor, gave myself unholy strength, and did great battle with this spandex wearing closet queer! Fire, lighting, wind, nightmares, and many beasts were on my side. Captain freedom was being slowed down by the many imps and peanut butter stains that had covered him!

I had him distracted, and I charged in to do great battle with the leader of these super assassins, moving those who would block my path with a flick of my hand, filling their minds with great horrors! The hallways were a blaze of torment and pained moans. If I'm honest it was a bit like a mix of a dungeon and an orgy house.... There's quite a few of those around, NO I DO NOT MEAN S AND M HOUSES!!!

I took the elevator to the top floor (this building was freaking huge) and was greeted by a man bound in a wheelchair. It was a mix of stephen hawking and professor X. The guy sort of stared at me, and wondered if I was here as entertainment. The only entertainment I plan on doing is for my own, and to turn you into a marionette!!

This is actually a cool spell, I learned it during one of my trips to Cambodia, they like the whole puppet thing over there, and so did a shaman. He learned to tap into the mind of a person and make him your willing slave! I learned to do it like an actual puppet master! Take that builerberg group!

I lifted this man up and began to make him dance for my entertainment. He began to shout rather rude obscenities and petty threats, the likes of which he could not accomplish under my control!

You know that feeling you get when someone is staring down the barrel of a gun while staring right at you? I got that feeling and I suddenly dropped him. Of course no one was pointing a gun at me, but it was the horrible presence of captain freedom! I only dropped him and had a wave of fear on me only because he was not being grappled by my thunder demon... And I slowly turned around to a flying punch and a wash of stars and stripes!

I then awoke the next day with a tremendous headache and aches all over my damned body. I contacted the men. The private dick had escaped and was in hiding. DAMNIT! I had lost it all!!!

And of course I was late to my therapy session, and then I came home and collapsed on the couch. It's another one of those days...

Journal Entry 21

so the other day I was walkin down the street and this guy looked at me funny, right? So I sent him to another dimension. The moral? The Menacing Magic Man don't like funny looks...

So most of you don't know this but I have no significant other. Frankly I find the opposite, well not boring, but a bit mental. Especially in the mortal realm. I haven't found myself a nice witch or necromancer wife that could, well, stand my lifestyle. So I teach the students by myself.

Speaking of which! You're all probably wondering what I've been going on about with the whole teaching thing. You see I am actually all of my student's master. I don't get new students often, but I am basically the head instructor along with charlie and a few other of the seniors.We work on weapons training, hand to hand, summoning, basic magic, advanced magic, and a few of the students are learning stealth maneuvers. We just started that, I haven't gotten the chance to use it yet. Oh and of course I teach them the Artes Liberales, with much focus around the Trivium and Quadrivium. None of that three Rs crap.

So the students live in my bunker with me. My bunker is basically huge, and the students sleep in a separate area, or the night barracks. I sleep on the opposite side in my own private wing, along with chuck, earl and giganto, and triple M. It's a modest place, mostly candle lit; I can't stand light bulbs... they irritate my eyes. It is designed after mostly dark ages and gothic architect, and red carpeting and draping all around. It's quite lovely, actually, I picked out the carpeting myself. I am an avid fan of valuer.

Anyways! Now onto my day. I haven't really felt in the mood to go on a heist or harass my arch nemesis this week... Been one of those weeks I guess, so I spent some quality time with the students and their learning. A few students have caught my eye, mostly because they are not doing so well at all. I took them into my office and told it to them straight: If they don't get their shit straight I will be forced to throw them out! This isn't a day camp this is a place for henchmen and to learn the dark arts! I then told them I could also send them into another dimension... I think that would get their act together. I do not tolerate slackers!!!

I then made a phone call to the power plant. It had been a week since I gave them orders to build my diabolical machine! They were still working on it!! WHAT THE HELL WERE THEY DOING!? I gave them explicit orders: Get it done by next or so help me I WOULD SEND THEM INTO THE NINTH DIMENSION OF THE KINTHOC! When asked what that was I simply told them it's a place where my foot will meet their sorry asses if they don't get their shit together! Damn lazy workers... it's like they're lesser henchmen or something!!!!

After that I was still pretty angry so I decided to make a few more angry phone calls: My telephone bill had been raised, and I demanded to know why! They dared give me some pathetic excuse about how they were short handed and needed the money. They are not getting my money because they will not hire people!!!! I demanded the receptionist give me the number to the people who made the pricing decision, and then told her how long she had to live. I got the number. I then called them and told them that I would visit them in their nightmare and make them shit themselves daily if they did not lower my bill!! They sort of chuckled at first, then I summoned snaked to come out of their power sockets. Suddenly they gladly complied... It's amazing what a little persuasion can do on men.

I then had one of my cooks make my delicious sandwich with the bar be que chips on the top, and enjoyed my lunch while ANGRILY trying to figure out how the computer worked! It kept asking me for some stupid verification code. I had to call the microsoft and yell at them as well!! They simply said if I looked on the back of the case I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE THE HELL THAT IS!!  I had one of my henchmen install the damn thing!! I am a magic guy not a mad scientist!!! I summoned my henchmen and demanded he talk to the lady, I would have nothing to do with this person any longer!!!! They were stupid.

Right, now if you'll excuse me I am going to take an ibuprofen and go to bed. Been a very long and ANGRY day!

Journal Entry 20

Therapy went good, but we didn't have a heist planned today. Too bad.

So you guys have heard about all those monsters out there? You know, big foot, etc etc? Well here let me explain what those are, exactly.

These kind of things aren't demons or monsters per say, but animals from another dimension. Cryptids is quite a good name for them, actually.

So big foot is actually a hairy naked canadian guy. However, the yeti thing is quite real.Yeti's live mostly in snow areas because they come from a snow dimension. They've been known to be quite irritable, loud, and obviously hairy. However it's not their fur. Yeti's are completely incapable of wearing fur. So instead they skin the local wildlife and wear that. Kinda creepy eh?

Now loch ness is sort of a, how you say, sea dragon, if you will. It's actually a mixed breed between a snake, a sea turtle, and a manatee, and comes from a mad scientist known as professor critter. Yes, that's his real title. He's a bit of a creeper. Same with ogopogo and champ, though I think champ has become a log or something.... they tend to do that when they die.

The jersey devil is kinda this tiny horse with wings and a dogs head. it was a botched attempt at trying to re introduce the unicorn into the material realm. I don't know how they thought a dog and a bat would help but... yeah... Mostly it's just an embarrassment to necromancers and dark magicians. Warlocks just laugh at us.

Then ya got that skunk ape thing. Now, we thought it was a redneck hillbilly in a furry costume but when we ran into it it actually turned out to be some sort of monster. Not exactly a yeti... but if you've ever seen the time machine it's a bit like the elois. Like some giant muppet from the muppets. And it wreaks like hell. The damn thing spends most of its time in the water, so yeah it's going to smell like wet... uh.... gorilla monster... I'm an expert on demons not dimension beasts!

There's a monsters out in the congo the natives call Moleke-mbembe, which is a small brontosaurus. And that's basically what it is. Some zoologist and a botonist thought it would be funny to bring back this big ass brontosaurus to the congo to freak out all the natives. Course they didn't realize it would spend most of its time freaking hiding but hey whatever... Backfired practical jokes are always great.

 Okay now... I shouldn't be telling you this... but mothman: He's like earth's deepthroat. No one knows dick about him. Hell I don't even know who he is. He's part of some secret intelligence office. He's basically our version of a CIA agent. Guy's creepy as hell. He's always wearing this long coat he got from the mortal realm, some weird hat, but his wings are always tucked under his jacket. He actually did go rogue, not like he sold any secrets or anything, but he stopped taking orders. I don't know what his connection was with the ohio river bridge was, though, but I heard he was palling around with some human. Anyways the mothman is kinda dangerous. He feeds off of... it's a bit hard to explain... you know when someone thinks that they're being watched by, say, the men in black, but they are just being over paranoid? Yeah, he feeds off of that and latches onto that shit like a leech.

That's about it, really. The rest is really nonsense and you already know about chupacabras, so... Yeah!

Journal entry 19

We've had an issue in our ranks. Normally I would have no problem with betrayal between super villains, I myself have betrayed The Caped Conjurer, and he, myself. However, when it is in my own ranks, I call it HERESY!!!

Let me start from the beginning. A few years back I hired a new set of henchmen. Some of them weren't very good with magic, I'm afraid. Which happens, some people just aren't cut  out for the dark magic life. So, instead of just shit canning them, I put them to work doing other tasks. Organizing the library, fetching books for the other students. Basic care work and upkeep. However, it seems I had employed sleeper agents into my cult. I still have no idea who they belong to... I'm hoping The Caped Crusader.

So they took about twenty five of my henchmen and tried to turn them against me, claiming that I was mentally unstable and unfit for super villaining. They dared to turn my entire cult against me! That is unspeakable! I had to weed out this insurrection and heresy by any means necessary!

I had read in the "How To Deal With A Mutiny" pirate handbook about how to deal with insurrections and I believe that I have a pretty good idea about how to deal with this sort of things. Unfortunately I have neither a pool nor shark tank, so I had to improvise with a diving board and a portal to another realm. Which I'm not sure, it's usually a lottery with these things.

After sending a few of my students of the night to capture who I believed to be their ring leader, I tied him up and put him onto the diving board whilst poking him with a sword, saying "Any last words before I send you into another realm!?" "Hey wait what about due process??" "Oh, right, that. Well, I'm due to process you into another realm!!" and so I stabbed him in the heart and pushed him into the nether portal!

I then rounded up the rest of the traitors, lined them up and gave them a chance to return their loyalties to me. Those who did were punished by cleaning out the most filthy places in the entire house for an entire year. Those who did not, I simply killed. I know, rather boring, but I was in no mood for theatrics this day!!!

So after dealing with this heresy (rather easily I might add) I drove over to my power plant to see how things were going. I was greeted by two associates of the Edison company. I think they were lawyers or CEOs or something. They mentioned to me that I had done an unethical hostile takeover of one of their companies and demanded that I return their power plant to them or I shall be filed with a lawsuit. I had to giggle at that... first off I am a super villain, I'm not so easily sued. Second off they thought they could intimidate me with silly paperwork. These days the only thing that will make me crap my pants is.... well... you should... already know what.... yeah.... I'm gonna move on...

I smiled, because I had a very good plan hatching in my head. "Gentlemen, please, step into my office, will you?" I guided them into the old managers office. I had to move his corpse though, guess I forgot to clean the place. They both shared a worried glance, as they should. I sat down with them and explained a simple thing: I own this place, and there isn't a damn thing you can do about it. They went to get up, but they did not make it to the door, NAY! I sent them to the maze of the dead, where they can wander about and try to survive. Knowing them, they will end up freaking out and pissing in the corners.

Meanwhile, I noticed that our grievance box was stuffed with complaints. I gathered all the workers and told them their only grievance shall be that I have disposed of their corpse after I killed them and then fed them to my hedge hog!!! Suddenly the workers did not have any more complaints. One man complained about the color of their uniform, and asked them if maybe a splash of red would make them feel better. He sort of stared at me, then came to a realization that the colors of his uniform were just fine! So glad to hear!

Actually one of them complained that it was riding up in his butt crack and that his crotch was in a vice grip. UGH! I did not need to hear about that! I sent him to the local laundromats  to have it fixed and tossed him twenty dollars to never mention that ever again...

Been quite an interesting few days. Post tomorrow from the ever amazing, ever popular, ever wonderful, and ever powerful Menacing Magic Man!

Journal entry 18

So we had a power outage last night, which is why there was nothing posted. Not like anything happened that was worth posting. Therapy went fine, had a bit of a relapse and a bad nightmare so I took the pills that the doctor gave me, then I sort of slept the rest of today... However, today, I am more than alert, and I exacted my revenge on the power station!

Basically I loaded up my convoy of evil, drove to our edison plant, and made preparations to take it over. First off, have you ever tried to get into a power plant? It's narrow and it's like a maze of pipes and metal grate walkways. So the usual smash and grab wouldn't work here. At all. I'm not here to destroy, I'm here to take it over. How hard can it be to run a power station?

So alright, we had to do this in the boring fashion. I passed around some basic weapons and told them to find an entrance and beat up whoever tries to stop you. Our goal was the main office switchboard. I, meanwhile, would just go straight to the managers office and dispose of his worthless ass. I floated to his main office and blew the door open with the explosive writing wand, and proclaimed "I AM THE MENACING MAGIC MAN! This power plant is now mine!" He just stared at me and said "So, like, are you the new investor?" I floated down and stared at him, and then disposed of him! Meanwhile, my men were combating the ones who refused to go willingly.

After a transfer of power, I gathered all of my new minions and told them who their master was, and distributed new uniforms. I then proclaimed that if there were any legitimate power outages, and even then, I would kill twenty five percent of the workforce. One of them brought up a union. I brought  him up to me and told him how long he had to live. About five minutes. He withdrew the union comment. I told him he had much longer to live.

So then my number two came up and stupidly said "So hey you got a power plant." Duh. He then stared at me. I thought maybe I had something in my teeth or on my face. Then I came to a slow realization: The electrical demon! Of course! This place was a gigantic battery, so why wouldn't it work. I took the time to summon five of the best engineers, and told them what I wanted, how to make it, and when to do it, and I told them if they give me any stupid looks or strange questions I would rob them of their ability of free will. They gladly agreed.

Now, unfortunately I will have to wait while they build it, but I went around making essential changed, covering up any "Edison" logo's with my own logo of three M's stacked on one another.

Now, the goal wasn't exactly to take over the town, but hey I got me a free power plant!

Also my therapist said I don't have to do this once a day anymore. So I'll be doing this three times a week, and once or twice on weekends. Or if I do a heist. I know you kids like to know about my heists.

Journal Entry 17

That Thundercat Lunchbox my men snagged? Instantly sold for around 40 bucks. As for that totem pole, well, it makes for a lovely bathroom decore- Anyway, so all of yesterday I had a sort of lazy day: I had a few henchmen go out to get Oscar some .. Hedge hog food, a few others to round up some demons to blast them to smitherines, a failed attempt at laundry, and an enjoyable lunch of a ham and cheese sandwhich, I decided to lay off the chips..
Afterwards I decided to take a snooze (I had Charlie go out and mug a few shoppers from Bed, Bath, and Beyond and it turns out they had these satin sheets. The plush color lives up the place.) And here I awake a day later.. Sunday.

I really, really had to do something today, maybe take this pen out for another whirl. I was hoping to come across Captain ass wipe sometime soon, see the look on his face. HAH. I just had to do.. SOMETHING! I began to pace around my study, Oscar snug on my arm. Then he and I went out into the sitting room to admire the new furniture, it was extravegant! In awe of my new dining room table a henchman of mine shuffled in, drinking out of a paper cup- a fancy paper cup actually... "YOU THERE!" I bellowed, pointing at the henchman, "What is that?" The henchman lowered his decorated cup away from him. "'Tis a Caffe Misto, sire!" I snatched it away from him as he was to take another sip. I guess the cup wasn't all too great, really. It showed some broad with a crown and wavey hair on it. I think she's wearing a sweater.. Whatever it is upon the cup I decided to take a drink, I was feeling peckish.
Dare I say.. This fancy crap tasted good. Very good. It was milky, warm.. Had a sweet auroma. I held the cup before me, turning it around to find that woman. "..Starbucks." I read outloud, tossing the cup back at the henchman. I smack my lips, "Star.. Bucks.." I repeated, really having no clue of these words. "Henchman, I've taken a liking to your beverage, where did you find it!?" The little man babbled on about some cafe at the corner of some street. So this Starbucks is near me it seems.. So with that I found out what I was to do today.
Go to Starbucks.

Cafe's are usually harmless, from what I know, but Captain kiss ass could of been out and about. I at the moment didn't feel like dealing with him and his tights. I took three henchmen and Charlie, who by the way was wearing a very nice black turtle neck. It really suits him.. Maybe I should get a turtle neck too, a black and a kashmir type..

We made it to Starbucks. It was a decent sized place, and by the looks of people running in and our the door, along with a few who sat outside on their laptops, or reading some type of useless book, it was a very busy place. I was thinking of how to get in.. There's much glass all around the store, a roof.. But for once I didn't really feel like causing a wreckus, so I went in right though the main entrance. (However, I did blast the door off with my pen. I had to do something.) It was very relaxing in this place. No sort of pastels, just browns and tans, low lights, comfy chairs, and of course the smell of coffee. But what a line! It was mostly full of these kids in sweatshirts, unbearably tight jeans and these strange, clothy.. boots? I think.. Whatever they are they were making my eyes hurt. So with a clap of my hands I instantly summoned small bolts of lightning to the people's feet, the horribly created footwear vanishing from sight! And what did I know, I was up to order! I scanned the rather large menu above my head, all these weird little words with 'chino' and 'frap' were at the end of everything. Frapcoffee, coffeechino, chocolatefrap, chinomint, blah, blah, blah. The woman at the counter stared at me blankely, as if she wanted something from me. Charlie gave me a nudge, telling me to place my order- that being the chico matter frap cafe malto.. That thing I had earlier! I didn't leave with just a lousy cup of coffee, oh no. See, remember my ability to teleport? After much sleep, planning and thinking, I conjured up the idea of teleporting objects with me- I also had four other men with me, so it shouldn't be so hard! I had Charlie hold my chinofrap as I hopped over the counter and to the machine which craft this delicious beverage. My henchmen followed, I told them to grab ahold of some equipment and me- we'll be back for the workers later. With a mightly clap of my hands WE POOFED!

Now, I sit here with Oscar in my lap, enjoying my third muchofrappchino as I do some writting and enjoy the fresh coffee smell and cries of the Starbucks workers in my new addition to my place.

What a great day!

Journal entry 16

You remember that exploding pen I used the other day? Well I decided to keep it. However, owning a powerful artifact in the mortal realm and using it, especially for my line of work, is... difficult to get an ownership license for. For starters, the citadel head doesn't even like me. He looks at the super villain-ing as a joke and a cry for attention. He just doesn't get the glamor of it all! Well, believe it or not, I had to get HIS approval to use the damn thing.

So on my way to his office, which felt like fucking high school, I thought about the excuses I could make to actually having ownership of this. "Why yes, I do intend to use it to fight menacing demons that are out of my-I mean, the worlds control." After climbing a thousand and one steps (long story short the guy they hired to build it forgot to stop at one thousand) to the tower of the master (not mine,) I had to cast a spell of thrice times knocking, and was allowed to enter. "Why the hell are you here?!" He thundered! Asshole... I requested ownership of a magical explosive writing utensil. "Oh, what, to rob banks with?" HOW DARE HE! I haven't robbed a bank in all the years I have been super villaining. I told him such as well, and dared him to find proof! I do not stoop so low as stealing mortal mens currency. He simply stared at me. I then pulled out the big one: "Look, I'll only use it if there's a demon present." He stared at me more. "Promise?" "For god's sake yes! Gimme the damn pen!" He gave me his all mighty stare into the soul, and proclaimed to all that I was the new owner of the explosive writing wand!

Score.

So after leaving the citadel, I decided to take the pen out for a heist. Don't worry there will be demons present! They'll be mine of course, but there will be demons there! I remembered reading in the news paper that the antiques road show was in town, and knew that there would not only be very rare and valuable artifacts, but perhaps something that I could put into my study... Or maybe some cute shoes... maybe a matching robe too. I do need a new robe, after all. I also remember reading there would be an auction as well. I know I'll hit it big this time. I loaded the henchmen into the convoy of evil and set off! I thought we would first hit the road show, they usually have everything on display right there, whereas auctions have their stuff hidden. Don't feel like looking on the first go.

Okay, so, dunno how many of you have ever been to an antiques road show, but it's kind of weird. See, they usually set it up in a building of some sort... but this is little rock... so they had to set it up in a really big ass tent. I just... felt ashamed of trying to rob it... So instead what we did was knock over the truck and drive off.

So, that was a huge failure, and quite frankly embarrassing. So we then headed to the auction. Now, this would be promising. I ordered the men to enter in civilian clothing, but to keep their hoods up, and I would keep my mask on. I have to keep my identity a secret after all... We marched into the auction to find quite a fast talking fellow, and piles of old crap. I pulled up a brochure to find... well... crap, basically. On the list was an old porno on betamax, an elvis pin ball machine (whoever the hell that is...) a mint in box abraham lincoln bust with the hat missing... a thundercats lunch box!? What the hell IS this!? I just... there's literally no words to put into how I felt at that VERY moment.

You remember charlie, don't you? My second in command? Well, he was there with me, and gave me council. "Do you still want to do this? We can always go home ykno. Go somewhere else..." "No, charlie, no. We must do this, for the other men. They must see that their master is not disheartened by pathetic junk!" "But... this is pathetic junk." I simply stared at him. After a moment, I yelled "NOOOOOW!" And striked into action, ionizing the atmosphere and floating into their. AUCTIONEER! I thunered, YOU WILL STAND ASIDE AS WE PLUNDER (god... plunder... I can't believe I actually said that... Who says plunder anyways!?) YOUR PRICELESS GOODS! Little did I know that he was The Auctioneer!

Let me tell you about this... guy... You see, he was an auctioner, and we all know that their special talents are speaking really, really, fast. Well, one day he was auctioning off some toxic waste (God knows why) and it pretty much exploded onto him while speaking. This transformed his vocal chord and lung functions into a powerful speech super power! He is able to knock people on their asses with his voice, confuse them by speaking fast, and even make them unconscious by overloading their brains with fast speech. It is that powerful. Now, usually people like that would become super villains or something. What does he do!? He works! He's a fucking good guy!

I really wish I recognized him, because by god he gave it to us. He stared at me and let out a powerful boom of his voice, hurling me across the room. Meanwhile, my students got to work to dispose of this menace to villaining kind! The Auctioneer simply boomed his voice, confused my men, and knocked out my students. The little bastard! I had no choice. I had to call out a retreat. But before I did that, I put up the best kinetic shield I could, approached him, and filled his brain with horrible visions of depravity and mister rogers! Do not ask me what images of him I put into his mind, you don't wanna know...

After a hasty retreat and stealing what little we could find (We got the lunch box, might sell that on eBay, and one of the men managed to steal a totem pole, to my amazement) we simply headed back to the bunker and sent some of the men to the infirmary...

What a day...

Journal entry 15

Should I be giving those titles names or something.... maybe calling each of them "Journal entry" just sounds very star trekky to me... Oh well, I'm sticking to it.

So I'm sore as hell but not sore enough to where I can't plan to steal an ass-tonof priceless antiques today. My sitting room needs to be refurnished and I don't intend on buying anything. We're a little broke... I gathered my students of the night into the shuttles (Maybe I'll rob a car dealership while I'm at it... these shuttle vans are starting to look weird...) and headed to the nearest antique store. Shortly after arriving I gathered all of my men and gave EXPLICIT instructions on using no magic at all! I don't want something catching on fire! The last time that happened the chair collapsed on me when I tried to sit in it. Took hours to get all the splinters from my-...nevermind...

It went a lot easier than I expected. I guess when you've got a bunch of masked guys and their leader is floating about two feet into the air, no one really wants to put up a fight. I perused the very lovely selection of fine red wood chairs and tables, and they even had one of those long backed chairs that I have been wanting since I saw beauty and the beast.

We loaded up the shuttle vans with my new furniture and drove back to my place. Unfortunately we had to leave a few students behind to make room for my new dining room table. I'd pick them up eventually. After arriving home, I found a note on my door, specifying that I come over next door, and that the greatest of urgency of my arrival was required! I believe my neighbor is the praying mantis, a strange insect themed criminal. He isn't a very good super villain... I've always thought of animal super villains as second grade anyways.

He said he needed some help with, apparently, a "ghost haunting." I thought it was adorable... The idea that ghosts would tie themselves to a physical structure is absolutely ridiculous. Let me clear that up right now: I have been a dark magician for twenty five years now, and not once have I ever found a haunted house. Not that I went looking, mind you, but I've never been summoned by one. I humored him, however, and took a quick look around the house. I figured I'd just charge him for this...

However his sentiments rang true, for it was not a spirit haunting his house, NAY! It was the haunting odor of an unemptied cat box! I hit the praying mantis man, and then left.

About that time it was 12:20, and I decided to have lunch. I ordered one of my henchmen to make the usual: ham and cheese with sprinkled bar-be-que chips on the top! But I wanted something different so I went with the grilled option this time. The grilled sandwich was most delectable, HOWEVER, it would have to be put on hold, for I had totally forgotten that I was going to raid captain assholes hideout! You see, commander freedom is usually out of his home on day patrols, doing god knows what, perhaps helping little old ladies across the street, or rescuing kitties out of the trees. Adorable. However, on this day he should have been protecting his homestead!

The plan was simple: Trash the place and download any information that we needed, whatever the hell that meant. Luckily I was not in charge of that portion. We had everything we needed: spray paint, bats of the baseball kind, hammers, my explosive writing pen, and of course our magic. We did not use the shuttles this time, because I wanted to test out a new form of mass teleportation. I can only take about ten people with me, so the rest would have to stay behind. It would be myself, eight students, and two of our students who are good with computers, along with spray cans and the other arsenal. I made the necessary preparations, and then chanted the spell, and with a thunderclap we were gone!

Now, something I think I missed. Perhaps I should have gotten the coordinates, but whatever it was, we wounded up into the house of the former Kremlin in Moscow. Quite embarrassing. I had to go outside and make the preparations with yellow snow... And once again, with another thunderclap, we were gone! This time, we ended up in the middle of a french fashion show. I despise both the french and fashion, so before we left I lit the place on fire! Fashion is nothing more than a desperate cry for help if you ask me. So, again... and we finally landed into the backyard of... my house.... UGH if I had known that mass teleportation was this frustrating I would have simply taken the shuttles!!!! I retreated to my spell book to look up what it was I was missing. It turns out that I must actually write the coordinates into the gaps of the circle, otherwise it turns into a random mass teleportation. It's no wonder I didn't wind up in the earths core.

Finally, finally, after all that nonsense, we were in front of commander morons house. We proceeded to act like "homies" and trashed his place, starting with that hideous car! Turns out commander freedom was not as stupid as I had thought. He set up a laser defense system. I casted a spell of unseen, and we had to quickly move to disable the laser system, or I would have to change my name to The Crispy Magic Man. The two tech students of the night found his computer system, and quickly casted a spell of BSOD, but I don't remember teaching them that, perhaps it stands for binding spell of doom.... I will have to ask them that later... While they worked on mister freedmonts computer, I proceeded to use my pen of explosive to write my name on his walls, IN EXPLODING FIRE! SO THAT HE KNOWS NEVER TO CROSS SWORDS WITH ME AGAIN! The rest of my men went to smashing priceless art work, couches, furnitures, and lamps. I believe a few of them took to jumping on his bed. TAKE THAT! When my tech students had finished with their work, I ordered a hasty retreat to the seven eleven down the street! There, we would mass teleport back to my house.

I have yet to hear of commander freedom, I am assuming he is grieving at the loss of his house hold security. But I can't help feel that I have forgotten to do something... Oh well, I suppose it is not that important...

Journal entry 14

What is today Wednesday? I think it's Wednesday. Not really sure...

So today I was able to actually move, but not too much, so I decided to go on a little journey. Let me tell you of the underworld citadel that I belong to.

Firstly, to get there, you must have a gateway somewhere in your house. It has to be your closet, there is no other choice. I hang all of my clothes on a separate rack. So, once you have set it up, you simply walk in. Which is what I do from time to time. So, once I walk in, I am taken to the outskirts of the citadel, which is held up by a thousand and one soulless beings, frozen in place forever. It's a bit unnerving to know that any second now this huge thing is going to just fall to the ground with a thump, and then I'd be sky rocketed to the ceiling. I mean really I just got out of a bad injury... Anyways, the reason for my trip was to pick up a magical tome, with which I need to learn a few more spells for my arsenal. Perhaps a magical weapon as well, maybe a force helmet... Some milk, bread, butter... Just the essentials. I don't really go to the grocery store, the citadel has it's own food supply readily available to all members of the citadel.

I did actually need pens due in fact that my students have been taking mine and not returning them...Unfortunately they didn't exactly have a very well stocked pen collection so I just had to take a quill and then continue on my way. I really did wish my students had not taken my pens and I needed to pick up this quill, but I'll get into that later.

So I did peruse through their rentals of magical items, including capes, hats, books of course, and slippers... Which I just HAD to have! They were my color! I went to the desk clerk to get some information on said slippers. Now, this isn't like freakin cinderella, these slippers are more like loafers. But! What they do is... well, interesting. They are sneaky slippers. They leave no foot prints, no sound,  and no heat trace. I had to stare at him... what use would any of us in the citadel need for... for these... ninja shoes!? He simply shrugged. Damn book keepers. So I just checked them out anyways, I figure I could use them for my late night snacking that I've been told not to do.

After my visit with the citadel I came back home and had some work that needed to be done. I always wanted to use an old fashion quill! I even summoned myself an old ink pot. I was so savoring this first usage, and began to write. Suddenly my paper burst into flames! After putting it out, I simply stared at the quill, wondering what exactly I got. I wrote in the air, and my wall exploded. EUREKA! I had picked up an explosive writing wand! I've always wanted one of these.

A few of my students rushed to my "aide" and I had to ward them off. I merely told them that I had accidentally picked up an explosive writing wand, and that we would need to stop off at office max. I can't wait to use this tomorrow! I plan to assault Commander Freedoms base of operations!

journal entry 13

So I'm a little high on pain killers right now, and honestly nothing happened today. I watched re runs on the television and crappy old movies on turners classic movies channel. Wish I knew who this turner guy was, because he has horrible tastes in movies!

We had a few invasions, but it was nothing the students couldn't handle. Some of the neighbors came by to see how I was, they brought flowers and free snacks as well. I always liked a good fruit basket. My master and The Caped Conjurer came by for a visit and to, apparently, make fun of me... the assholes...

So I'll tell you a bit about the movies I was forced to suffer through. One was about these six or seven or nine... I couldn't really keep track... japanese swordsmen. They were defending some village against bandits. I WAS hoping the bandits would win, but no these girls in dresses saved the day. Just once I'd like a bad guy to win! One of them had some rediculously huge sword too. Someone's compensating, eh?

The other film was about a guy in a wheel chair who was spying on his neighbors. I guess he broke his leg or something, so he took up voyeurism. It's not like I saw him with any books or anything, so there's no possible way he had nothing better to do than to see what his neighbor was having for lunch. It turned out to be a murder mystery though, so that was kinda interesting, I guess... seeing as how my nemesis does that for a living, the prick...

And by the time the pain killers we're starting to kick in, breakfast at tiffanys was playing, but I fell asleep half way through it. Something about some girl and a cat named cat... Creative...

Right now I have what is known as a laptop computer. It's a small device with a type writer apparatus and a viewing screen attached to one another. It's rather thin and rather heavy. What these devices are used for besides something called "myface" is beyond me. So that is how I am making my journal widely viewable for everyone.

Oh and my therapist has seen my journal entries. He does not approve but I told him to cram it, this is the only way I am doing it. He wants me to write more about not just what happens in my days but how I am also feeling. Does he even read these or does he skim them!? THIS MAKES ME VERY ANGRY!! How's that you shrink prick!? I had my freak out moment in the nut house, I don't need to express how the breakdown affects me every freakin day. Sometimes it doesn't! Course I still get nightmares but that doesn't affect the way I make my breakfast every morning: A bowl of crunchy cheerios, and god help them if they get soggy!!!!

journal entry 12

I feel like I've been run over by a truck... I haven't been this sore since I wrestled with the twin tongue mantis of epich.

Let me tell you what has happened today. After my therapy session, which went quite well,  I immediately loaded up the van and we went to our destination. I was moving my operation to the Disney castle! It would be a long drive to florida, so we stopped off at a gas station to get snacks.

That... was a bad idea... For you see, the private detective and commander dick was there, CHATTING! I rallied my men! I darkened the sky, floated myself, and covered myself in lighting! I summoned many beasts of great horror and peanut butter, and beckoned them to rid me of their puny existence. The private dick called on his super men assassins and commander freedom went to "attempt" to dispose of my horrific minions. I'd like to see him try... these thing's are scarier than those SPAWN monsters.

The Commander dick was struggling with my minions, and the private dick was cowering in a corner. I waved off his men like they were mere insects in my way. My henchmen had over powered most of them, and dickwad was too busy fighting off my horrors to do anything to protect the private eye. At last! After ten years, my revenge was at hand! I lifted myself down, blowing out all the lights and setting aflame to the snack area. There he was... hiding in a corner, soiling himself, fumbling with his pathetic little revolver... I had him, I had him! I extended my hand to barbeque his ass, and then suddenly I was outside and my head was throbbing... Apparently we had missed a gigantic body guard he hired. The guy was the size of a house, practically! He was just climbing out of a hole in the side of the convenience store that I think I may have made with my body... and he was racing over to me. I was feeling a bit dizzy at this point, but I think one of my students rescued me or I turned him into a tortise... or maybe I was unconsious I'm still not really sure... my head is just POUNDING!

I do remember waking up to another hulk sized body guard carrying me over his shoulder to the private eye. He grunted out something like "What do with him?" and I quickly grabbed his nipple and gave him the worst purple nurple ever given. It was so bad, master would have cringed! For you see, dark magicians do not simply twist the nipple, we send the damn thing to oblivion in a hand basket and REALLY twist it, freeze it, burn it, and then fry it!! I think  I made him cry too, mmmm delicious!

So... after being sent through a wall, and suffering a pounding head ache... I once again face my arch nemesis! I remember gripping my electrocuting hand... and then I remember my face being in the private eye's lap... I opened my eyes and I kind of hesistated... did I just have sex with this guy...? Did I get hit over the head with something heavy....? I stayed there, kind of getting my senses back. Yes... yes there's a REALLY bad pain in the back of my head... and talking.. yeah talking... and the private dick guy was groaning. HA! I had landed my face into his yarbles! Take that! And then I realized something else: My face was in his yarbles. I shot up, and wiped my face many times. I can still feel his junk on my face! EUGH!

After taking a moment to recover myself, I immediately looked behind me to see the store clerk holding a large folding chair. What is this wrestling!? I know I'm in a costume and mask but we're not in freakin mexico! I'm not a damn Lucha libre! I gave him horrible nightmares that would never leave him, and then turned back to my nemesis... again... But before I did that I took a quick look around to see if anyone else wanted to pot shot me. Finding no one, I returned to my nemesis to see-...that he had left. The little cry baby was running out the back door. I gave a howl of ethereal volumes and beckoned my students of the night to stop him! Yes I know it's corny and over done but it gets the message across of me wanting him and them needing to prevent him from running. It's quicker than saying all that.

Three of my best students, training in both the martial prowess and magic, springed into action and drop kicked him like a sack of potatoes! I call them my magical ninjas. Nifty name right? I slowly and menacingly marched toward him, again, and savored his final moments of life, while the sound of combat was.... quiet?

You remember how captain dick was fighting off my monsters? Well I guess he tied them all to a lamp post and was now B lining it toward me, because all of my magical ninjas were looking up like a flying saucer had just appeared, but it would be no flying saucer, NAY! It would be a homosexual in black spandex with a giant F on his chest, flying toward me with something heavy! I looked around slowly, and then all I remember were seeing stars, and I think some birds flying around my head... Quite a few birds, actually. It was cute, them flying around my head going "tweet tweet!"

I awoke inside my room, with my student medical staff tending to my wounds. They had informed me that when I was struck I actually stood, blanketed in fire and lighting, and proceeded to.... well beat the crap out of him like a second grader... And I guess he threw me into a nearby car. No wonder my back aches... BUT never you mind!! I shall recover and exact my revenge!

Now if you'll excuse me the pain killers are kicking in and I feel like singing along to Oklahoma!

Journal entry 11

So I went to my therapy session with the other triple M. Bad move. He turned my therapist into a three headed frog (i called him toaderus.) I had to change him back and then he told me either leave or take the parrot back home and come back. I had to poof back home and back to therapy, rather annoyingly... He then asked me why he would bring a copy cat parrot home to a magicians home, and how that made any sense. Sheesh, someone was grumpy....

After the usual talks I told him I was having bad nightmares. And I have been. All with mother. Mothers face would be on monsters or men I fight. He gave me a prescription, take them when I have the mommy dreams, he said. I can't believe this... I have to take pills... I've never taken pills before, not even for head aches. I drove to the pharmacy, a strange, silent white place, with people working behind a counter, and book shelves filled with... not books. A short man wearing a white laboratory coat gave me a small white bag with something inside of it. I quickly drove home to stare at the orange and white bottle. Pills, huh....

Nevermind, I said, I have things planned for today and so shall it be done! There was a movie I wanted to see at the little rock movie theater, called the sanctum. I had hoped it was about necromancers but it was about some pricks getting lost in a hole. I am never going to see another movie in a theater again...

Well after that I decided to start one of our lessons early today. I taught the students how to use bael fire. It's quite simple, really, you just focus on your target and make fire appear. How hard is that? Apparently difficult because many students lit themselves on fire... Luckily I know how to use ice mist, and it makes a wonderful fire extinguisher.  So after that failure I thought now would be a great time to teach them how to levitate! Yes... levitation... much safer... what could go wrong... Many students launched themselves into the air, usually upside down, god knows why... So then I thought now would be a perfect time to meditate! Yes, safe meditation.... HALF OF MY STUDENTS FELL ASLEEP!! I made a loud thunderclap and a fourth of them crapped themselves!! After that I stormed out and to my study, where I could spend time with oscar, my hedge hog.

Honestly not much happened today... it's another one of -those- days... Tomorrow I'm planning a heist so, stay tuned!

Journale entry 10

So you remember that whole steal some computer stuff to make a monster out of machine parts and electricity? I thought I'd give that another whack. This time I printed out map quest directions. Yeah that's right I had to do it! Laziest. Henchmen. Ever. This time we wouldn't get lost and have to rob second rate shit stores....

The area we were raiding was an electronics warehouse. It was basically a place where they held all of this stuff before shipping it out to their respective companies or to be shipped to make computers. It's sort of a staging area for computer parts. I didn't need anything specific, just something to carry an electrical charge. I didn't even really bother to storm the place fancy like, just blew the doors off their handles and grabbed whatever I felt necessary to make a 40 foot tall electrical demon. We did just that, and I used telekinesis (and my henchmen) to grab whatever we could, but mostly computer chips, long computer chip sticks, and  the very large and square mother boards. We collected many a boxes, with many chips and boards and sticks! That was the first step of this monstrosity.

 The second step was finding something to attach all of this too. Now, the mortal realm does not have any monsters of the 40 feet tall variety, so I just had to make due with the largest land walking animal. But African Elephants are a bit heavy so I just went with a really big ass gorilla. Have you ever tried to kidnap a gorilla?? Those things are nasty! It bit almost all of my henchmen and punches a few of them! I finally had to put a spell of binding and a curse of sleep on the damn thing, that way it wouldn't kill any of my henchmen.

Phase three was to take the computer parts and attach them onto the gorilla. Since I wanted him alive we couldn't just stick them onto his skin and leave it be, so my students had to use super glue or duck tape. The gorilla was constantly unconscious during the whole time, mostly because I knew he wouldn't cooperate.

Phase four was to activate the beast! I had him moved him to the hanger so he wouldn't destroy my house. We had to enlarge, and at the same time, electrify him! So I did both! With one hand I casted lighting upon the motherboards, and on the other a spell of growth. He slowly electrocuted and grew. He grew and grew and grew... and... well grew.... and he kept growing, actually, even after I stopped casting it. I guess I should have just blasted him once. The goal was complete, however he was far too large to handle, so we had to chase him out and into the city. Now.... I don't usually like to cause urban damage but, wow. This was awesome. He was shooting lighting out of his eyes, his hands, his ass, his toes. Wow! I did one hell of a good job.

Let me tell you of someone that lives in the city that I REALLY hate! His name is commander freedom or captain freedom or something.... but I call him commander dick. He's a total super man wanna be... Always flying around yelling FREEDOOOOM like some fucking william wallace wanna be dick weed. He's always fucking up most of my grand plans. If it's not this guy its that private dick guy. He killed my giganoid electrical gorilla! I didn't ask him to fucking butt in and take care of my messes! I had this totally under control as soon as I packed in all my henchmen into the shuttle and made sure they went to the bathroom and what not...

He just... killed him! What a dick... I would have sent him to the second realm eventually! And then, commander dick just flew in and decided to scold me! The Menacing Magic Man does not take to scolding! I lit his hair on fire and then catapulted his ass to the moon!

Shouldn't be seeing that prick for a while...

Journal entry 9

Because I did not have therapy today, I really don't have much to post about, so I merely took care of some chores around the house. I had to clean windows, dust my librarium, and get rid of the wretched chupacabra infestation in my garden. Little bastards.

So I went to South America to interrogate a local voodoo witch doctor. He had information that I was looking for in tracking the dreaded chupacabra demon of mexico. Yes, they are real, not just tasmanian rodents. One was infesting my garden... I needed to figure out how to kill one. Bael fire and dark ice shards were not working. Apparently you need fresh rats blood and rats milk. The first was easy, the second? I don't even want to think about it... So after gathering all of this, I put it into a trap, and the little bastard didn't buy it. So I finally said to hell with it and yelled 'Borde narem illith maledictum, I send you to the ninth subway of the terrace of malice!!!" Little bastard can go hang out with the real monsters...

However, while I was in South America I happened upon a new friend. His name is also the Menacing Magic Man... oddly enough. I never thought I'd meet another triple M. I decided to take him with me. I set him up near my hermit crabs, earl and giganto. They have been very good companions as well.

Now the downside of keeping the menacing magic man is that he repeats the spells that I have been practicing in my chambers... and on many occasions he has summoned himself an extra head or a flower out from his behind. I have considered casting a spell of silence on him, but I rather like him with two heads.

So... yeah.... I know I am suppose to write for two hours but unless you want me to tell you about how my entire day went, you're out of luck. Go read someone elses internet journal log.

Journal entry 8

So today I said I was going to do a heist.  That WAS the plan... but with yesterdays encounter with the private dick, I made plans to raid his place of business. I first sent in a spy to see if his team of assassins and muscle men were there. We got an answer when the spy flew out of the open door. Obviously they knew we were here, so we had no choice but to burst out of the bushes and begin assaulting them. We assaulted them with bael fire, lightning and many shards of dark ice,  while they returned fire with their silly little bullets and knives. Some of them had swords, which was weird... considering we don't use melee weapons. Maybe they thought that they could get close enough to us to do any real damage. It was quite adorable, really.

We advanced even further from the bushes and into the parking lot. Some of the troops said we should take position into the pay less shoes, and I said that we should take refuge behind the many cars that are around us, they are the suburban trenches! I then floated up in the air, summoned lighting around my body, and summoned a thousand flies as a smoke screen! My students of darkness charged the room, and the plan was to grab him. At the time I was unsure who we had gotten, but we had someone relatively his height, same shoes and same pants. We had to retreat because I had five henchmen down, and I got a paper cut somehow... I think someone threw a business card thinking they were gambit from x-men. For one, it was not a playing card. Everyone knows it only works with playing cards. Secondly, it did not explode.

We made a hasty retreat back to the shuttle vans and drove off. I put a spell of unholy binding on our prisoner, whilst we drove to the taco bell to get snacks! The henchmen were hungry.... Anyways! I found it odd that none of the private detectives men were not chasing us... Perhaps we were just that good! My smoke screen of flies had worked! We took him to my lair and put him and a group of my students of the night into the dark dimension! We had him tied, strapped, and bounded to a chair! We began to roam him, question him, PROBE HIM!! But he would not give up his secrets! I then began to dive into his mind to reveal all of his deepest fears and bring about the end of my nemesis, AND TAKE MY REVENGE!

Remember about a week ago or so when this part gets weird? well it turns out the man was afraid of giant eyebrows and grilled peanut. I commanded the chef to bring us a sandwich of grilled peanut butter and banana kind, and then commanded one of my henchmen to bring us some giant eyebrows! The chef brought the sandwich and the student rolled in a television with a digital video disc player. No idea why either... he mentioned something about a Japanese animation called Fooly Cooly... the words were quite foreign to me, and I consulted my big book of spells to ascertain their meaning! Not finding them, I made a note to seek my master later. We set the sandwich on his lap and hit the play button. A man with giant eyebrows came to the screen, and I giggled with delight! I pulled his hood off in ecstatic delight-...only to find out we had the wrong FUCKING guy!!! I boomed to bring me the student who grabbed the wrong person, so that I might melt his face off!!! Although on a positive note we did freak him into insanity and into some sort of insane coma... he was foaming at the mouth and his pupils had dilated. I simply tossed him into the vortex of nether return... Not like he was any use to me.

After that useless thing, it was growing quite late, so I grabbed a book, and put on a group that I recently heard while hunting a rogue succubus in Brittan, the Ramones. I asked them what their relation to Ramon the magician, but they told me to "Sod off, wanker." Not sure what a soldering iron had to do with anything... And then I grabbed my pet Oscar and we got into my comfy chair. I've had Oscar for a few years now, he is my hedge hog. He loves sitting by the fire place with me.

So this day was a total failure... hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Journal entry 7

So I didn't write one on Sunday. Sue me. I don't plan to write them on Sundays.

Today was my scheduled therapy session, and he has told me that he would like to see me twice a week instead of three times a week. So, I feel confident that our talks are going well. I always assumed people went to therapy because they had been in a nut house for several days. Turns out I was right.... it's difficult for me to write about what we talk about, mostly because it's none of your fucking business.

So, we'll just skip that then. Today I had a visit with my master and one of his friends, as is mine: The Caped Conjurer. We studied together, and we even went on a few heists prior to my rise to power and needing henchmen. Conjurer is a solo act, mostly because he's so bad ass he doesn't need henchmen. I however feel like if I don't have henchmen I'll appear to be some second rate supervillain, kinda like the guys from the spider man comics. I told Conjurer that I wanted to be like a magical version of, say, the joker, but without the clown crap. Him and I went to the same shadow kabal that produces guys like us, basically super villains or world leaders. Some people say that the kabal controls the world, but they don't... if they did they'd have a better looking kabal than that shit stain... Seriously the wall paper was peeling off it was pathetic. Anyways.

So we went out to lunch at one of the local super villain restaurants. My master immediately questioned why I had chosen this life instead of becoming a dark necromancer or a demon tamer. I told him that necromancers were dicks and demon tamers were the same as lion tamers: lame. I wanted the glamor and the action that comes with super villainy; plus they throw some great parties. Last year I went doctor robotico's bash, holy crap... I am still trying to figure out how the fembots work, and why they are always trying to get me into another room alone with them. They must have thought I was their tech guy or something... Don't know how they could confuse that, though, I basically dress like a better Arthur Dent, if you know who that is. You should read the hitch hikers guide to the galaxy sometime... Fantastic read, actually.

So master, Conjurer and I caught up a little. I refused to tell them about my nervous breakdown. Conjurer was apparently getting ready to move to another dimension to do his evil deeds from there. He was selling his old place to a young and upcoming evil alchemist. I had to mock him, and asked the conjurer if he still believed he could make gold out of garbage. Apparently, the alchemist did, and in fact he was still looking for the philosophers stone. We should have told him we have five in the kabal. Maybe we could lend him one! HA!

Just as our lunch had arrived, I saw HIM!!! IT WAS THE PRIVATE EYE! I jumped out of my seat and yelled "YOUUUU!!!" And shot lighting from my hands! He dodged and fired at me with his pathetic gun! I easily sent the bullets to another dimension, and assaulted him with flames from another realm! My master and the Caped Conjurer jumped to their feet to assist.... HIM! THE SWINE!! They grabbed me and asked the stupidest question ever: What am I doing. WHAT THE HELL DOES IT LOOK LIKE I AM DOING! I am trying to send my arch nemesis TO THE GREAT BEYOND!!! They said it was ridiculous that some private detective would even have earned the wrath of my hatred! By the time I explained it all to them, the detective had, legged it, as he says. The coward! I threatened both of them with my wrath! But... they said they'd heard that line a million times... Then they proceeded to mock me for trying to kill a lowly private eye. I NEED NO REASON TO KILL MY ARCH NEMESIS! They so desperately asked me why, why did I want to kill him. Let me tell you all why that detective has earned my wrath!

It was nine years ago. I was celebrating my year anniversary of being a super villain by summoning an entire harem of women (not succubi, I planned to keep my soul that night...) We were just in the middle of the ceremony, when this... this yellow jacketed DICK walks in the middle of it and thinks we were trying to summon someone named Lucifer, or whatever the name was... I told him to go away and take his nonsense elsewhere, but he pulled out his puny weapon and shot one of my best men. What few students of the night I had that weren't knocked unconscious by the sudden interruption in the summoning spell, were trying to stop Jason's bleeding, while I was in the throws of deep combat with this yellow jacketed menace!! I kept throwing fire at him, but he was too fast and his STUPID yellow jacket was like flame proof or something! I tried lightning, bael fire, nothing! It was like the guy was a ghost! But the douche was just some private dick... He ran away and I had to tend to my fallen student. We buried him that night, and I swore that I would send him to the worse place known to man. I also told them that later I realized it was the same guy who did better than me in college, so really it was a double whammy.

They sort of giggled...

Let me tell you about my master. He was trained in the other world by the fearsome daemon of the tenth archway. Their ranks are the same as the military. The higher the number the more command and death they wield. He trained for one hundred years under his command, and then he opened up the shadow kabal in the mortal realm. He then trained my mother and father trained there; that is how they met. I trained under them and my master as well. I never met the tenth archway power, but  I heard he could turn oceans to steam. Now my master, he is quite the powerful man. I am still surprised he even allowed himself to be seen in public. Some say that if mortal eyes gaze upon his, they would be driven mad...

We finished our lunch, and I was left with the tab. One hundred dollars!!! What the hell did they order!? I begrudgingly paid the tab and told the waiter to tell the chef he had six months. He knows what I am talking about...

Afterward we returned to my house where I made some lovely camomile's tea, and master wanted to discuss something with The Caped Conjurer and I. He was thinking of re opening the shadow kabal. It had closed many years ago, and he wanted the two of us to help run it with him. I said it was out of the question, because I had other duties to attend to. Conjurer said he would think about it. I had to pull him aside... because I still needed him! He said he would help me with some things... move some furniture.... help summon a soul for interrogation... you know, simple things. Though in his defense he did say he would think about it. He doesn't have internet either, luckily....

Tomorrow I believe I am scheduled for a heist. I will write about that, TOMORROW!! And perhaps I will share more on tuesday.

Journal entry 6

 An update on charlie, he is doing fine. He will be home tomorrow.


I have a terrible confession. For the past ten years I have been stalked by a dutchman, and he is the only thing on this planet that I fear most. He just... stands there... staring at me... he breaks out of jail once in a while to stare at me from my lawn or wherever I happen to be raiding. He just stands there... staring... I believe him to be a being from another dimension, letting me know that the end time is soon.

Let me begin by telling you how it all happened. I remember it was late at night, around 2 am, and I wanted a drink of water. Unfortunately none of the henchmen were available, so I had to get myself my own glass. That's when I stumbled upon him... I call him the dutchman haunting. He was standing in the middle of my kitchen, and I conjured up a spell of bael fire to banish the dutchman! He merely stepped to the side. No one has ever dodged my bael fire! I ran to the alarm, but he was there, with those eyes! I used my psychic scream to rouse the lair, and the henchmen came down, weapons and spells in hand, ready to attack the dutchman haunting. But, when they all came... he was gone. Obviously I wondered if I had finally gone insane, but my veteran charlie ran a third eye sweep, and signs show that he was quite real. We put the bunker on high alert with roaming patrols, and also called the police. I mean really who just breaks into a mans secret underground bunker!! The nerve of some people!

He has shown up many times after. My count so far is about one hundred and seventy three. He has been there on heists, on vacations, under water, on mountains, simply staring him. I only know he is dutch because one time he tried to ask me for money in dutch. At least I assume that's what he was asking me. He had his hand held out and everything. I incinerated his hand. Now he stares at me with a missing hand.

I once confronted him, you know. I sent him to the third realm of chthluk sharam, brought him before a tribunal, and demanded to know what he wanted. But he just stood there... staring at me... The tribunal had to let him go because he was not cooperating. He would continue to haunt me, so I sent him to the ninth hellpit in the zone of embers. There, he would spend eternity in a semi pit of fire, not on fire but constantly burning. Yet somehow he made it out.

Who the hell is this guy!? What is he obi wan kenobi!? Is the guy from star wars haunting me!? This is rediculous!

In any case, he is still outside of my house, staring at my front window... Luckily I have the borders guarded by demon guard dogs and nightmare sentries. Damn dutch...

Journal entry 5

I write to you in great sorrow... One of my students of the night was injured today. I will be covering this later.

Today was my scheduled therapist meeting. I meet with him three times a week as per his request. The jag is in the shop so I had to astral project to our meeting. The therapist didn't like this so I had to teleport to him instead. He asks me why I just don't do this instead. What kind of stupid question is that!? Why the hell would I teleport to places when I've got that sweet jag to drive around in! I'm thinking of having it painted and making it the magician mobile or something awesome like that.

So today we discussed how to cope with different situations and how to prevent myself from summoning that horrible monster again. I had to stop him because for this kind of thing I would need to consult my master, not some guy with glasses and a pocket protector. He said he didn't mean it quite like that. He merely meant that I need to figure out what caused the sudden focus on her, come to terms with it, and then get past it. I remember it well... I was fighting my arch rival the private detective, and his crack team of hit men. It was quite the terrible battle, and I needed to summon the most horrible monster!! I was trying to go for the gruugrox of yemeni yards, but for some reason... all I could think of what my mother... and I summoned her eternal soul!! She... she scolded me and... and...

I'm sorry I cannot write about this anymore. I am moving on.

Well I teleported back home, feeling quite more confident than I did earlier, so I felt that it was time to pull of a heist! We were running low on cash so we stopped off to rob a bank real quick and then get some milk and eggs. We were running low and I like my morning cereal. And then we headed to our first raid: The international house of pancakes! The henchmen had not eaten breakfast yet. We tore asunder the delicious rooty tooty fruity pancakes and then burned the building to the ground! Then we drove to the outskirts of little italy.

The rumor is that the little italian mafia roams these streets. While I fear no man, I worry for my students of the night! So, we kept a low profile while we went to the center of little italy. We slowly crept down the streets with our shroud of unnoticeable, making our way to the town square. We gathered there, unnoticed until I gave the signal. Remember the unsuccessful raid at the cardboard box factory? That is usually the signal for everything. It's obvious and it looks really cool. Anyways. I gave the signal, floated in the air, shrouded myself in lighting, and then all hell broke loose!!! Flames and lighting and chill winds went in every direction! The square was turned into a flaming arctic wonderland!!

And then the italian mafia let loose with their weapons. A few of the students were shot, and I howled in pain. NO, CHARLIE! I yelled. Charlie was my first and oldest student. I dove deep into the minds of the italian goons and brought their worst fears to the forefront of their minds!!

That is usually a very interesting experience. You see, you usually get a sneak peak at their greatest fears when you do this. Sometimes it's spiders, sometimes it's heights. And sometimes it's a man covered in chocolate pudding hiding under your bed. Ohhhh god! I still have nightmares of that... These goons had fears of their supreme leader! And one had a fear of pink cuddly elephants. I mean really what kind of fear is that!?

They dropped to the floor, foaming at the mouth, writhing and crying in agony, as their mentality was collapsing on top of them!! I ran to charlie, who was gravely injured. We had to abandon our raid on little italy, teleporting back to the shuttles and driving at an unholy speed to the nearest hospital. Usually super villains go to the super villain hospital, but frankly I did not have time to drive all the way there. I held my senior student in my arms and rushed into the emergency room, crying and shouting for someone, anyone to help! The doctors rushed to my aid, and just as quickly as they came, they were gone.They told me police would have to be notified, and I told them how many years they had to live. Suddenly the police no longer had to be notified, which was good because I wasn't answering any fucking questions while my best man was bleeding!

Unfortunately, charlie did not come home tonight. He is not dead, though, but he is in intensive care. I will be visiting him tomorrow. This is one of those days where I wished I had listened to my parents and became a doctor instead of a dark magician.

I need to get some sleep, it is late...

Journal entry 4

I have given these a very simple title. It will no longer publish as (No Title) because I will be giving it this title!

Today's kind of a boring journal entry so you might as well skip to another one...

So as I said yesterday I stayed home today. No heisting, no robberies, no nothing. Just me and the television we have downstairs and some books. I do not watch those sissy shows like "days of our lives" or "as time turns' or some bullshit like that! Super villains have their own network and their own line of programming. I am an avid fan of "the end of days," a very popular korean super villain soap opera. Dong the shogun meisser confessed his love to kyung-soon of the ninth realm, but kyung-soon is holding the child of the shogun meissers most hated rival, the shaolin opressor! How could she do that to him!? They had something special! And she threw it all away! That TRAMP.

Well after my shows I decided to make myself a sandwich. However I have never made myself a sandwich in over twenty years so I... had to ask one of the students of shadow for help. I wanted to make myself a sandwich of pure horror! But all we had was roast beef and gouda cheese. We got the gouda when we went on vacation in holland with the clogger. I got myself some nice wooden slippers engraved with three menacing Ms stacked on one another. I still have them actually. Anyways, so I told the henchmen that I would make my sandwich today. Usually they make it for me but I was feeling adventurous today!! I admit I did struggle a little... didn't quite know where all of it went on the bread.... So I tried all of the meat on the top and the bread in the middle, and showed one of the students of the night. Amazingly he knew how to make a simple sandwich!! I knew I kept these henchmen around for a reason. Now the henchmen usually sprinkle some nice chips of the potatoe variant on top of my sandwich, so I hunted high and low in the kitchen to see where they hide the chips of the potatoe variant! Specifically, the bar be que kind!

Now that I think of it... why are they called bar be que... they do not contain barbs of any kind... Oh well. I proceeded back to my television to watch the super villain hockey match! It was the mad scientists against the black ice. The black ice happens to be my favorite team in the SVHL. However... the final score was 2-4. My only question is... WHAT GAME WHERE THE REFFS WATCHING!? I SHALL SEND EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THEIR SOULS TO THE KLUKRAKKA OF NETHREL!!!!

So after  my fit with the television I decided to roam my lair. Now normally it is a very pleasant place with fine carpets, velvet draped ropes guarding my precious paintings of summoning circles and great dark magicians. Unfortunately today it was ruined by the sweet scent of the horrible and most wretched herb that destroys the ability to summon spells successfully: Marijuana! I followed it's horrid scent using my 5th sight, and it lead me to the henchmen locker room. And there I found it!!! Three of my students of the night smoking and laughing and carrying on! I made my presence known by turning the bench they were sitting on into chicken fingers! (I was getting hungry for some reason...) They all collapsed into the pile of delicious crispy chicken goodness! "STAND AT ATTENTION!" I yelled with the force of a thousand sons! They stood there, sweating, nervous. I glared at them, and they knew all what I had to say from the force of my dark and menacing glare. I took the bag and incinerated it right there! And suddenly I felt quite calm.... which is odd considering my angry fury of my henchmen. I told them they were grounded and told them no henching for a month! They hopefully learned their lesson, and I had a much better appreciation for those lovely velvet ropes... so soft...

And then I finished out the day with more television watching, a nice book with a glass of milk and my pipe, and went to bed around 10 PM. Nice quiet day, because tomorrow, I plan to attack them at dawn!!! Or maybe after breakfast.

(No Title)

I dunno if I'm suppose to put a title up at the top or something... Maybe I should put the date? Oh well.

Today has been one hell of a rough day for this super villain... As you all know I'm under therapy, and today was one of my therapy sessions. Todays session went well I think. We talked about issues with my mother, my time spent in the assylum, you know, things like that. I'm making good progress, I haven't had any regressions yet.

I do drive, I have a nice jaguar that I got from a dealership heist. It wasn't the actual jaguar dealership, just some used lot. We couldn't find the actual dealership. I got it a day before my nervous breakdown so I've finally got a chance to drive it around. This baby does zero to sixty in 4 seconds! And it's stopping distance from 60-0 is 148 feet.

And yet some jack ass in a gigantic monster truck rear ended me!!! And he ran off! I melted the steering wheel itself from my rage!! I had to drive using the little things that hold the wheel. You know what they are. I chased his ass down, and it took a while to get him at a red light. In my rage, I forgot I was a user of the dark arts and grabbed the tire iron to smash his window. I stomped toward his door, busted the window in, said "hey tough guy!" and pulled him out of the truck with unholy strength! And yes that is a spell. I dragged his struggling and wriggling body to show him the damages to my jaguar with his face. "See this!" I said to him, "See this!? This is what your crappy truck did! I aughta tie you to my bumper and start driving! You ever go street skiing with your face!?! Now give me your insurance information!" I think I smelled his pathetic fecal matters at this point, as he shakily said he didn't have insurance. So I tied his dumb ass to my bumper and had at it! Once I had painted the town red (HA!) I sent his soul to the 8th prison of jez larah! How hard is it to get insurance on a car!? You know you are suppose to have insurance on your motor vehicle so get it!

After that, I called the super villain insurance claim and told them what happened. They told me there was nothing they could do and I threatened them with my wrath, but he cut me off... I had to order one of my students of the night to get my ledger so I could see how much we had to spend on fixing my jaguar. Luckily we had enough but we would be eating cold cuts for a while... I am not looking forward to ham and cheese sandwich week.

Wednesday is also the day I teach my students how to meditate and summon monsters of their own. Unfortunately if heard by mortal ears it can cause insanity or annoyance. Though I don't know why mortals are nosing in on my affairs. I also wish to know what your obsession is with the weather!? You people are always asking "So how about the weather" as if your skin is unable to detect the temperature, or you are unable to look up! Gah, annoying wretches!

Usually my wednesdays go by quietly and without interruption, but today I had a visit from the neighbors who I have no idea who their names are nor do I care to learn them! One of my henchmen fetched me to discuss a complaint about excessive noise. I told them that they could bury their heads on the third dimension of bakram schroimash and tear their own insides and use their intestines as a rope to hang themselves with! Then slammed the door on them. That showed them!

...but then the cops came about thirty minutes later. I mean really was it totally necessary to call the police? We could have handled this like reasonable adults and sat down to discuss the noise levels... anyways the police said that I had to keep it down or suffer a fine of great monetary proportions! I proceeded to yell at them about the hit and run that I had suffered! They then asked for the mans name. Suddenly I realized that I had killed him and sent his soul to suffer eternal damnation. I quickly told  the officers that we would meditate some other time and closed the door! Smooth move, triple M.

So, I'm broke, and my head hurts, yet again. I think I'll stay in bed tomorrow...