You remember that exploding pen I used the other day? Well I decided to keep it. However, owning a powerful artifact in the mortal realm and using it, especially for my line of work, is... difficult to get an ownership license for. For starters, the citadel head doesn't even like me. He looks at the super villain-ing as a joke and a cry for attention. He just doesn't get the glamor of it all! Well, believe it or not, I had to get HIS approval to use the damn thing.
So on my way to his office, which felt like fucking high school, I thought about the excuses I could make to actually having ownership of this. "Why yes, I do intend to use it to fight menacing demons that are out of my-I mean, the worlds control." After climbing a thousand and one steps (long story short the guy they hired to build it forgot to stop at one thousand) to the tower of the master (not mine,) I had to cast a spell of thrice times knocking, and was allowed to enter. "Why the hell are you here?!" He thundered! Asshole... I requested ownership of a magical explosive writing utensil. "Oh, what, to rob banks with?" HOW DARE HE! I haven't robbed a bank in all the years I have been super villaining. I told him such as well, and dared him to find proof! I do not stoop so low as stealing mortal mens currency. He simply stared at me. I then pulled out the big one: "Look, I'll only use it if there's a demon present." He stared at me more. "Promise?" "For god's sake yes! Gimme the damn pen!" He gave me his all mighty stare into the soul, and proclaimed to all that I was the new owner of the explosive writing wand!
Score.
So after leaving the citadel, I decided to take the pen out for a heist. Don't worry there will be demons present! They'll be mine of course, but there will be demons there! I remembered reading in the news paper that the antiques road show was in town, and knew that there would not only be very rare and valuable artifacts, but perhaps something that I could put into my study... Or maybe some cute shoes... maybe a matching robe too. I do need a new robe, after all. I also remember reading there would be an auction as well. I know I'll hit it big this time. I loaded the henchmen into the convoy of evil and set off! I thought we would first hit the road show, they usually have everything on display right there, whereas auctions have their stuff hidden. Don't feel like looking on the first go.
Okay, so, dunno how many of you have ever been to an antiques road show, but it's kind of weird. See, they usually set it up in a building of some sort... but this is little rock... so they had to set it up in a really big ass tent. I just... felt ashamed of trying to rob it... So instead what we did was knock over the truck and drive off.
So, that was a huge failure, and quite frankly embarrassing. So we then headed to the auction. Now, this would be promising. I ordered the men to enter in civilian clothing, but to keep their hoods up, and I would keep my mask on. I have to keep my identity a secret after all... We marched into the auction to find quite a fast talking fellow, and piles of old crap. I pulled up a brochure to find... well... crap, basically. On the list was an old porno on betamax, an elvis pin ball machine (whoever the hell that is...) a mint in box abraham lincoln bust with the hat missing... a thundercats lunch box!? What the hell IS this!? I just... there's literally no words to put into how I felt at that VERY moment.
You remember charlie, don't you? My second in command? Well, he was there with me, and gave me council. "Do you still want to do this? We can always go home ykno. Go somewhere else..." "No, charlie, no. We must do this, for the other men. They must see that their master is not disheartened by pathetic junk!" "But... this is pathetic junk." I simply stared at him. After a moment, I yelled "NOOOOOW!" And striked into action, ionizing the atmosphere and floating into their. AUCTIONEER! I thunered, YOU WILL STAND ASIDE AS WE PLUNDER (god... plunder... I can't believe I actually said that... Who says plunder anyways!?) YOUR PRICELESS GOODS! Little did I know that he was The Auctioneer!
Let me tell you about this... guy... You see, he was an auctioner, and we all know that their special talents are speaking really, really, fast. Well, one day he was auctioning off some toxic waste (God knows why) and it pretty much exploded onto him while speaking. This transformed his vocal chord and lung functions into a powerful speech super power! He is able to knock people on their asses with his voice, confuse them by speaking fast, and even make them unconscious by overloading their brains with fast speech. It is that powerful. Now, usually people like that would become super villains or something. What does he do!? He works! He's a fucking good guy!
I really wish I recognized him, because by god he gave it to us. He stared at me and let out a powerful boom of his voice, hurling me across the room. Meanwhile, my students got to work to dispose of this menace to villaining kind! The Auctioneer simply boomed his voice, confused my men, and knocked out my students. The little bastard! I had no choice. I had to call out a retreat. But before I did that, I put up the best kinetic shield I could, approached him, and filled his brain with horrible visions of depravity and mister rogers! Do not ask me what images of him I put into his mind, you don't wanna know...
After a hasty retreat and stealing what little we could find (We got the lunch box, might sell that on eBay, and one of the men managed to steal a totem pole, to my amazement) we simply headed back to the bunker and sent some of the men to the infirmary...
What a day...
No comments:
Post a Comment