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As per my therapists request, I must spend the mandatory two hours writing. Two freaking hours!!! You know how much I could get done in two hours!? I could probably tear my car apart and put it back together.

So I have an ice pack on my head today to try and stave off the headache that I have. We went on a heist today, or should I say a few heists... my students of the night kept getting lost. I told them to use the map quest! But nooooo they insisted on using the G-P-S! Which, as everyone knows, stands for gay positioning suck! Damn these henchmen!

The goal of todays heist was to rob an electronics warehouse and steal some vital parts I needed for my next summoning! I plan to summon a beast of great horror and imagination! I required many motherboards and processor chips. And no he's not some crappy transformer, I'm not an engineer. Nay! The motherboards and processor chips would be used to give this beast an amplified electricity power. Don't argue with my logic! I am a master of the dark arts! You are merely some schmuck reading someones blog while sitting in front of your computer in your moms basement.

First things first, we had to do a role call and assign the henchmen to a shuttle van, and made sure they all went potty because I sure as hell wasn't stopping. Then we took our convoy of evil (Clever, right?) to the electronic warehouse... or so I thought... God the execution was perfect!! We kicked in the backdoors and threw fireballs and shot up the place! We demanded that they give us all their micro processors and motherboards! Then they said they didn't have them because.. they were an... office... max...  I immediately fired (literally, turned him to ashes) the driver and gave a student of darkness a promotion from henchmen to driver. He then took us to our proper destination which... really wasn't it... it was a hair salon ran by very angry black women! Or at least they were angry when we kicked in their door and lit their customers hair on fire... I swear I thought it was a nether tarantula from the vortices of thrallmoch, but apparently it was someones "dew" as they said... whatever morning mist has to do with hair...

The battle was great and fierce! The throwing of shampoo bottles and dark magic was something to behold! When we left the salon smelt of garnier citrus and sulfur! And also... peanut.. butter look I summoned an imp to take care of the fat one known as sheniqua and her wretched snappy fingers! I thought she was trying to cast curse of insanity on me with all her snapping! That's how we learned the spell anyways.


After firing that driver, I proceeded to promote yet another henchmen to driver and told all that promotions today are highly likely! And then we finally proceeded to our destination! Which... turned out be a kids gap... WHERE THE HELL DO THESE HENCHMEN COME FROM!? I will incinerate all of them!!! If it wasn't for the fact that I thought henchmen were necessary for me to not look like some lame super villain I would have turned them all into demons and had at it! Needless to say I was finally tired of coming up dry and just told them that we would raid this one anyways and take the money and loot whatever. So we went in from the back, and one of the students of flame blew open the door and I floated in all cool like and did my super villain chant, which by the way is:

"Mortals of the corporeal realm! I am the prince of darkness! The terror of the night! The mighty menace of the underworld! I am that which goes bump in the night, the terror of your small childs closet! I AM THE MENACING MAGIC MAN!!" and usually gets followed up by thunder and lighting and the room usually gets dark too.

HOWEVER I got interrupted by some woman with a purse the size of a shopping mall bag! She threw a pair of shorts at my face! I mean really it was just the worst thing that could happen to me. Right in the middle of my speech and BAM SHORTS TO THE FACE! It's kind of like when you get imaginary slapped in the face, that feeling. I slowly peeled them off my face, eyes as red as the sun and stared at she who would dare use childs clothing to attack me! She was this fat oily thing wrapped in a parka and a jean skirt. I floated toward her, and then down to the ground with the shorts outstretched, and quietly said "Madam, do you really think shorts are an appropriate weapon to wield?" But she had that fire in her eyes like most psychopathic mothers have, much like my mother had, the kind of look that even if a trucker held a pipe iron to her face, she would stand her ground. She came back with a pathetic retort: "Do you really think blowing up a kids gap is good for a reputation." AND THEN I PROCEEDED TO FILL HER MIND WITH THE MOST DISTURBING IMAGES KNOWN TO MAN!! I showed her what rosie o donnel and rossanne would look NAAAAKEEEEEEEEED!! Oh dear god I've just done it to myself...

She foamed at the mouth and proceeded to writhe on the ground, crawling and begging for mercy. That is when I floated back up and shouted "STUDENTS OF THE DARK! ATAAAACK!" And it was good! Kinda like something out of the lord of the rings! And not the shitty movies, the novels. I was never one for movies anyways, I am an avid reader. Fireballs, black magic, ice, and childrens clothing could be seen flying in the air. I myself was pummeled by many a purse and stroller. I yelled for a hasty retreat and a quick snatch of the loot! We ran to the shuttles and blitzed out, tires squealing. We managed to get some child clothing, a purse, and $20 dollar coupons to the red lobster. I then fired the driver.

It was getting late at this point, and I was growing ever the more frustrated. We decided to find a red lobster and eat. Unfortunately they did not have room for thirty, so I made room by sending them to the next dimension! Oddly enough they suddenly had room. Go figure.

After a hardy meal and a rather large bill (sonofabitch $200 to feed henchmen!) I promoted another henchmen to driver and we proceeded to what I declared was our final destination. Failure would not be tolerated!

And then I saw it... it was an unlabeled warehouse!! Oh happy days it was! I pulled out the blueprints and told all the henchmen where we were to attack! We would have the building surrounded and would burn it to the ground! However we had to pay for parking first... I am a super villain I do not pay for parking! I said. They were not convinced and told me they would call security if I did not pay. I told everyone to cough up a dollar for the parking fee, which was ten freaking dollars.... I may summon a rat in the toll mans pants tonight...

There it was. It was magnificent. Standing there, with no windows, air conditioners on the roof! All we poised to strike. The signal was when I darkened the sky with cloud of pure black hatred! I raised myself in the air, surrounded by lighting, and called upon the elements to give my area an overcast! My henchmen cut the power, they unlocked doors, they knocked out security guards, and poised to strike, I gave the signal of a loud thunder clap! All the doors blew off, knocking box boys on their asses! I floated in, lighting striking in every which direction! There were fires everywhere you looked. I yelled "Direct me to the micro processors! Muahahahaha!"

But... it was too good to be true... we had... we had raided a warehouse alright. Filled with boxes... EMPTY BOXES!! My howls of frustration could be heard in the next dimension and across the parking lot to the radio shack! I grabbed our driver, hoisted him high, and used him as a sacrifice to summon the greatest minion of all: The Golgotha! Which, if many of you read the bible (AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH) will know that it is a demon made of pure fecal matter! I got the idea from that movie dogma OKAY I've seen ONE movie! It proceeded to stink the hell out of the place. And we made our retreat, morale low, and me with an enormous headache, the box warehouse aflame from all the burning fecal matter.

My two hours are up. And yes, I did fire the driver. Where do you think I got the golgotha from!?