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After hours of tutorials on how a computer works, I have finally accessed the world wide web! These damn things are impossible to use!! I still cannot locate the any key!

Okay, here goes nothing.

I am the prince of darkness, the mighty menace of the underworld, the thing that goes bump in the night, the terror of your childs closet!! I AM THE MENACING MAGIC MAN!!!

Okay so my therapist said that I should start a journal, but I was like "Fuck that! What am I Anne Frank!? I'm not even jewish!" So instead, I took a computer tutorial class at the local community college, and have taken up blogging! Or as it is appropriately called, internet journaling for whiney bitches. Seriously some of the blogs (even the word is stupid) are just pathetic. "My boyfriend doesn't love me!" or "She glances in my direction at math class, she must love me." SHE PROBABLY SNEEZED YOU URCHIN!!!

 Let me begin with who I am in case you schmucks don't check the paper. I am The Menacing Magic Man, the local terror of the city of Little Rock, Arizona! I know it's... not exactly the most impressive place to be super villaining but it's a good community! And the rent on my place is cheap, I can't exactly relocate because the name of the city is pathetic, but anyways. I am the terror of the night, moreso than that poser batsuck! What kind of superhero doesn't even have super powers?! Oh so what being freakishly tall is a super power?! God, the guy is like the size of a drugged up basketball player holy crap! And what, what his super ability is a fucking utility belt!? Really what is he a big ass boyscout of gotham!? Please...

...where was I going with this again? OH right! I was bragging! For every flood that Little Rock has had, it was by my hands!! Every slight breeze that blew the paper in your face, ME! Every snow fall, ME! Global warming wasn't started by that dick al gore, it was MEEEEEEEE! And maybe al gore helped it out but he stole all the credit for discovering it! I don't suppose you've noticed al gores new "hair style?" The fuckers hair is falling out thanks to you know who. MUAHAHAHA!

Now some of you may be wondering why a super villain is blogging! It is a known fact that no superhero checks the internet! I know this because they are all boring. Seriously take up a conversation with superman my god... it's like he's my dad. And you just know that jerk iron man doesn't have the internet either. He probably uses AOL or some useless internet service like that.

As you all know, super villains need some sort of ability to be considered super villains, otherwise we're just criminals and the cops chase us. I for one REFUSE TO BE ON COPS! I'd rather be on a dignified show, you know, CNN. What does CNN stand for anyways I've always wondered that... Crappy News Network? HA! ZING!

Right anyways. I can manipulate the dark side of the magical realm!! I summon horrors from the dark realm of a thousand screams! I can wield the powers of hate and doom and despair at my command, and with the flick of a wrist, torment spews from my fingertips! But for some reason when I summon monsters they leave this... ectoplasmic trail of peanut butter it's... It's kinda weird... I asked my master about this and he said as long as the monsters aren't allergic to peanuts there's nothing to worry about. But, ykno, I mean, what kind of magic summoner am I if I can't even summon monsters without them thinking I might be hankering for a peanut butter sandwich. Hell I don't even like peanut butter! It tastes like creamy death...

And no I am not some kind of necromancer or warlock or something... have you met those people? I think they're into S&M or some freaky shit like that.... God I remember I was a roommate with this one necromancer in college and he always invited these zombie cheerleaders to his room and had sex with them, god it wasn't even necrophiliac I had to look up what it would be! Zombie sex good god... I mean this one girl came by and half of her face was missing! Ugh I still can see it... I bet he stuck his ding dong in the hole in her face too. YES FREDERICK I AM BLOGGING ABOUT YOU! Screw you! Like I give a rats ass what these people think about me.

Yer probably also wondering why a super villain needs therapy too. For one, I don't do blue cross! I'm a super villain! Blue cross doesn't cover laser shots to the ass! I have a special super villain health insurance plan! And a few weeks back I... had a nervous... break...down THERE I SAID IT!! I lost in the middle of a fight! I meant to summon some succubus but instead I summoned my long dead mother!! It was... horrible... So I was in the assylum for super villains (NO NOT ARKAM! But you know how badly I wanted to go there!? Those doctors are cracker jacks! On top of the ball! On their game! Its like the place is filled with doctor house clones! But no instead I got shots in the ass) and spent a few months there, and I've been seeing a therapist reguarly, trying to figure out why I summoned my dead mother instead of a whore from the nethers.

So anyways, like a good super villain I too have an arch nemesis! He was my rival in college! All the girls fawned over him, he got the best grades, did the best in sports and practically everything he did! And what did he do with his life!? A private detective!!! So to this day I have been stalking him and tormenting him! Course he got smart and hired himself a private hit team to protect him the panzy...

Let me tell you of my lair! I will not reveal it's secret location BECAUSE IT IS SECRET!  But it's a nice underground abandoned bunker that is rent controlled. The land lady is a total bitch too... luckily she doesn't have internet as well. I am also blessed with many, many, capable henchmen, or students of the night as I like to call them. They're all just initiates really, just starting to learn the dark arts. Half of them can barely throw a fire ball. Ah they're all so cute though, I read them stories of the underworld all the time, tuck them into their barracks. Incompetent, but adorable.

Currently I am fourty three. I have been practicing dark magic since I was able to walk, what with my father being a necromancer and my mother being a witch. And I don't mean she had special powers, she was a total crank. Probably why my father turned her into the cat. I went to a university to get my bachelors degree. I majored in applied sciences and minored in music, and it's none of your damn business why! I apparently was the only student there who planned to become a super villain! Daddy wanted me to be a scientist but I wanted to follow in his footsteps! If he didn't want me to become like him then why did he have me train with my master?? Maybe he wanted me to have something to fall back on in case I got bored... yet here I am at the age of fourty three and I'm still kicking! Been doing the super villain thing since I got out of college!

As my therapist has instructed me to do, my two hours of journal writing are up. I am instructed to do one journal entry a day! Well to hell with him I'll write whenever the hell I feel like!!